This is a full transcript of Stan of the House. it is still under construction.
Tyler: I know that I invited you over to study, but...
(Tyler throws the book aside.)
Tyler: I think we both know the test was yesterday.
Sabrina: Isn't the test tomorrow?
(Tyler starts laughing as the scene freezes)
Stan (voice over): This is Tyler James. Now, that is the face of a smooth playa. Well, not that face.
(Stan unfreezes and Tyler makes a cooler face. The scene refreezes.)
Stan (voice over): Oh yeah! There's the sugar!
(Avery, as she's walking down the stairs, notices the two.)
Avery: Whoa, what is going on here? I get the family room from 3 to 6 as per the sign-up sheet I posted, so get...
(At this point, the scene freezes.)
Stan (voice over): Avery Jennings, Tyler's stepsister. Uh, kind of a psycho about rules. She even has a rule about not interrupting her, so let's keep it moving.
(The scene unfreezes.)
Avery: ...out of here, or I'm gonna tell everyone you're wearing a wig.
Tyler: I'm not wearing a wig.
(Avery pulls on Tyler's hair)
Tyler: OW! I told you, it's not a wig!
Avery: I know, but that hurt, right?
Tyler: Would you just get out of here? This is my house. You and your mom have only been here for like a year.
Avery: 11 months, 14 days, 6 hours, 10 minutes, (Avery pulls up her wristwatch) 3 seconds. 4 seconds. 5 seconds.
Tyler: Ooh, numbers! Like I told my algebra teacher: A plus B equals Y should I care?
Sabrina: Do you think that will be on the test tomorrow?
Avery: Okay, you two continue this high level exchange of ideas, and I'll get the room on Tuesday,
Tyler: Tuesday? (Tyler stands up) No way! The cheerleaders are coming to audition for my show!
(Tyler puts his hands over Sabrina's ears)
Tyler: Do you know how hard it was to convince them that I'm directing a new play called Homeschool Musical? (uncovers ears)
Sabrina: Do that again. I heard the ocean.
Avery: Was it really that hard to convince them?
Tyler: What are you doing next Tuesday that's so important anyway?
Avery: My student tolerance club has a very important meeting. We're planning a rally in support of the pale kid who smells like pizza dough.
Sabrina (with her ears covered) It sounds like a storm!
(Tyler and Avery look at Sabrina briefly before turning back on each other)
Tyler: Your life is ruined? (Bennett and Ellen enter) Since you moved in there are sign-up sheets everywhere. There's a sign-up sheet in the bathroom. Who can time that?
Avery: Everyday at 8 and 4:30. What is so difficult?
(Tyler and Avery start walking away, still bickering)
Tyler: Well, you know what? I'm getting the room. I'm older.
Ellen: I know you said be patient and eventually we'd come together as a real family, but those two will not stop going at it! Enough is enough. I'm gonna go in there and set them straight.
(Ellen starts walking in, but Bennett starts shushing Ellen while putting a finger over her mouth.)
Ellen: They need to know that they can... (Ellen looks at Bennett) Are you fond of that finger?
Bennett: Honey we have been over this. Intervening at this point would not be a good idea. (alongside Ellen) Siblings must develop their own tools for conflict resolution. (picks up a book) It's all here in the foremost guide to parenting written by a man referred to as the brightest mind in child psychology.
(Bennett holds up the book revealing his picture on the back and smiles)
Chloe: (runs in) Daddy! Daddy!
Stan (voice over): That's Chloe. They say psychologist's kids are messed up, but she's doing okay.
Chloe: There's a monster chasing me!
Stan (voice over): I said okay. Not great.
Bennett: Uh, Chloe sweetie. Listen. There's something very important I need you to understand. BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBAH!!!
(Chloe runs away screaming)
Bennett: And now she's not worried about the monsters. As for those two, I have a plan that will be equally effective.
(Chloe runs by still screaming)
(Cut to the family in the family room)
Bennett: Kids, I have a surprise for you.
(Bennett opens the door, and Stan walks in. The kids wow)
Bennett: His name is Stan. He's a rescue form the shelter.
(The kids start petting Stan)
Stan (voice over): Hey, look it's me! (Scene freezes) I'm the dog! There's the sugar!
Avery: Thank you, thank you! I've always wanted a dog! Mom would never let me get one.
Ellen: I didn't say never. I said never wever because you were three and it took the edge off. You know I'm a cat person.
Stan (voice over): Ellen Jennings. I think I know whose slippers I'll be eating first.
Avery: Aw, this is such an awesome surprise!
Ellen: (Reluctant) Yeah! Ha ha! This is a surprise for all of us!
Bennett: Look, you wouldn't be so surprised if you had just read Chapter 9 in my book.
Ellen: Honey, nobody's gotten to Chapter 9 in your book.
Bennett: Watch the genius of this. (clears throat) Now kids, this dog is for all of you, so you guys will have to work together to take care of him, or you can't keep him. (winks at Ellen)
Stan (voice over): Bennett James. A little full of himself. Sniffed his butt. Not impressed.
Tyler: I guess a dog could be kind of fun. (looks at Chloe briefly and picks up a ball) Fetch.
(Tyler throws the ball, and Chloe runs on all fours to get it)
Avery: Yeah, it's cute until she chases a car.
(Cuts to an outside shot of the house at night)
Stan: And that's the story of how...
(Cuts to Stan inside on the computer)
Stan: ...the kids found out I could talk. No wait, I didn't get to that part of my blog yet. I’ll do that after my product review. (Picks up a dog toy with his mouth) Huh. Smells like rubber. Tastes like rubber. (He bites down on the toy, and it squeaks) Whoa it squeaks! I did not see that coming!
*Theme Song Plays*
(Ellen walks into the kitchen and sees Stan sitting at the countertop in front of an empty plate)
Ellen: Why are you sitting in my chair?